Does Reality Even Exist? Asks Israeli Spokesman in Explaining Latest Civilian Deaths
Tel Aviv, Israel (5:00 P.M. GMT) – Chief spokesman for the Prime Minister of Israel, Mark Regev, questioned the existence of reality in a press conference with media outlets today.
Regev was asked to respond to the report that Israeli shells struck a building housing a UN school in Gaza on Thursday, killing at least 15 civilians and wounding dozens more who were seeking shelter.
“The civilian casualties are tragic, and we do everything in our power to avoid civilian loss of life. But, what is life?” Regev mused.
The Israeli military has endured sustained criticism over the past weeks due to the bombing of hospitals, cafes, mosques, and even four boys playing on the beach, far from any apparent military target.
“At this time, we have not confirmed that it was in fact IDF fire that tragically killed those four boys. In any case, it is likely that militants were also in the vicinity. And let’s not forget that Hamas sometimes falsifies reports to mislead the international media,” Regev explained.
“I mean, do we even know if there were four ‘boys’ on the ‘beach’ per se? Let me remind everyone that objective truth is an illusion.”
Regarding the bombing of the UN school, critics argue that the IDF knew the exact coordinates of the school and the fact that it was being used as a safe haven by Gazans.
“Let’s be clear, our military does not target civilians,” Regev repeated. “We are reviewing the incident and we believe it was Hamas rockets that, in fact, hit the school.”
Upon being informed that this was the fourth UN facility hit by Israeli bombing and that it was highly unlikely that Hamas rockets could cause the level of damage the school had sustained, Regev shrugged his shoulders.
“We are conducting our investigations into the matter. But, as any epistemologist will tell you, all knowledge is ultimately subject to skeptical doubt.”
In the past, some commentators have accused Regev and other Israeli spokespersons of resorting to far-fetched possibilities as a way to evade accountability for civilian casualties.
Regev, however, remained resolute.
“The postmodern critiques of language and existence itself are well-known. While these casualties are heartbreaking, we cannot be absolutely certain that our phenomenological experience of the events are not a sheer mental construct.”
The UN, in a separate statement, said that they are also investigating the incident and interviewing eyewitnesses who saw a drone flying overhead moments before the school was struck.
“Let’s be clear, Hamas is known to use human shields.” the Israeli spokesman charged.
“Besides, how much can we trust our eyes anyway? What if this is all a Cartesian dream, or we are all brains in vats? What if we’re all in the Matrix? If that’s the case, the civilian casualties would actually be zero,” Regev speculated while leaning back and swaying his arms, mimicking the famous slow motion bullet dodging scene in the popular science fiction film The Matrix.
Asked to address the 80% civilian casualty rate thus far in the conflict, Regev reiterated his skeptical concerns.
“Israel wants peace. By all accounts, the continued death of civilians is a crisis. But, let’s not forget the more pressing existential crisis before us.”
Asked whether he was referring to the possibility of a nuclear Iran threatening to “wipe Israel off the map,” Regev stared off into empty space as an expression of nihilistic blankness spread across his face.
“No, the existential crisis threatening to wipe our consciousness off the map into the blissful repose of the abyss.”
In recent days, Pro-Palestinian commentators have emphasized that Israel’s continuing blockade and siege of Gaza, deemed illegal by the UN according to international law, is the root cause of the conflict.
Asked whether Israel had any plans to concede to these concerns and lift the siege, Regev laughed maniacally.
“Nothingness haunts being! Don’t you understand?!”
The press conference abruptly ended with Regev repeatedly striking his head with his fists, shouting Dadaistic phrases in a solipsistic fury.